Saturday, March 16, 2013

Tools and Daffodils

What do Tools and daffodils have in common? They are the first creatures to stick their pretty heads out when Spring finally comes.

It's the first Saturday of Spring here at King Henry, and the Tools have emerged from their dungeons and taken to the field where they can prance around in all of their glory. For the past 4 months they have been quarantined to the ToolTub. Only those girls silly enough to go to the ToolTub without a significant other and/or guy friend are accosted by their presence. But now, one cannot take the trash out without having to deal with the Tools.

For future me and our visitor from South Korea, I have three ways for you to spot a Tool. I will do so in the context of a volleyball court, since that is the axis of King Henry Tools, but once you know the basics you can apply this knowledge to any situation.

Characteristics of a Tool:

1. Tools play outside in regular shorts without a shirt on.  There are three acceptable reasons for guys to peacock without their shirts.
    1. They are on a beach somewhere, switching off between swimming and playing volleyball. In this situation, the guys are wearing a swimsuit, not regular shorts. Throwing a shirt on a wet body is an unpleasant sensation, so walking around shirtless is understandable.
    2. It is 120 degrees outside. In this case, the girls will be inside by the air conditioning, so any guys walking around shirtless are doing so to attract other men.
    3. They are homeless. In which case, they would be standing by Walmart begging for food, not playing volleyball at the King Henry Toolshed.
      To be fair, shirtless guys are not always a bad thing. Shirtless guys, like daffodils, are pleasant to look at. Unlike daffodils, shirtless guys talk. Which leads to the next characteristic of a Tool.

2. Tools frequently call each other by noncreative pet names such as "dick" and the all the variations thereof. This language appears most on the volleyball court when a Tool misses the ball, fails to serve, or cheats. I'm a fan of trash talk as much as the next person, but there are plenty more creative names with which to insult someone--Tonya Harding and Lance Armstrong are two of my personal favorite athlete insults. But Tools either don't have the brain capacity to come up with such comparisons are they are just too Tool-ish to do so.

3. Tools will exaggerate every move if it means they can be the center of attention. One example is spiking the ball over the net so hard it flies out of the court and someone must run to get it. Instead of mourning the fact that they just gave the other team a point, they congratulate themselves on a job well done--they are much manlier than that ball could ever hope to be.

In recap, the Tools are officially prowling. Now you know what to look out for, you will never fall for a Tool again.

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