Thursday, May 29, 2014

Theme Music

Here's an interesting thought:

What if, every time you talked to someone, entered a store, woke up in the morning, or especially encountered an attractive stranger, a certain theme music played?

Like, you get out of your car to walk through a parking garage and suddenly a sullen slow deep tune rumbles. You'd know to get back in your car and wait for the robber/gropist/murderer to pass by.

Or what if you woke up in the morning to a bouncing happy melody--you'd know it was going to be a fantastic day.

Most importantly--what if when talking to someone, suddenly a jubilant ballad waves in. What? Am I in love with this person? Am I supposed to be? Apparently.

Or you're talking to another person, who perhaps you thought you had feelings for, and a sad slow ballad tumbles in. Well, I guess we won't work out then.

Wouldn't that be convenient?

This thought is also due to recent Kdrama binge watching. A certain very painful love triangle had crazy happy music (almost annoyingly happy) when one couple was together.

The other pairing had such tragic music, you knew there was no possible way they could end up together, despite their fuzziness and seemingly perfect pairing.

Pre-determined theme music could shape your entire life and make things a whole lot easier.

Think about it.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

How to Get a Korean Boyfriend

My KDrama binge watching of late has been very instructive in the art of snaring a Korean boyfriend.

A Korean boyfriend is something I didn't know I even wanted until I started watching these dramas.

Choi Min Ho--I love you despite your bling

Kim Bum-- I love you despite your name

Kim Hyun Joong--I love you despite your...femininity 

Lee Min Ho: I love you despite your...nothing. You are perfect.

Warning--do not start any of these series unless you have an unusual amount of free time on your hands and don't care what your social group thinks of your recreational activities.

I know that drawing conclusions about a culture from a soap opera is unfair and likely flawed--like thinking American high school is really like High School Musical or that every witch/wizard goes to Hogwarts.
If you never go, you never know

But the comparisons are just too uncanny to NOT have truth. Stereotypes are there for a reason--people can only be the exceptions to the stereotype, but they more likely fulfill them.

So, here are five ways to get a Korean boyfriend:

5. Be Korean

This is unfortunate because I am about as opposite from Korean as you can be. I like to think that the girls in these series are Korean because they are for a Korean audience and not because Korean guys are not attracted to Western girls. 
While physically changing ethnicity is quite difficult, I believe that love can find a way. So, what's next?

4. Be Clumsy

The best way to get a Korean boyfriend is to make sure he is saving you all of the time. It's the simple things like falling down the stairs or getting hit with a volleyball. But you can also go the extra mile and try drowning or almost getting raped.

Phew, that was a close one

Making him feel like your savior will attach him to you with an unbreakable bond. He is the one solely responsible for your existence, how can he ignore you???

3. Be Obsessed

Like--creepily obsessed. Keep pictures of him by your bed. Know his schedule. Leave him love notes in his bathroom. Know everything there is to know about him from his family, friends, and even sleeping habits. Especially sleeping habits. 
But most importantly--don't be shy about your obsession. Let him see the pictures, sign your name on the notes, and let him catch you watching him sleep.

He may seem annoyed, but he will soon realize that stalking may just be your love language, and suddenly it will be endearing.

2. Ignore everything he tells you to do

Stay in the room? Run after him. Don't touch his computer? Screenshot every file. Leave him alone? Double your efforts. 
This is the easiest one in my opinion.

 "Go away forever"
"Okay I'll be right here"
1. Never, ever, ever, give up.

No matter how many demeaning nicknames, death threats, embarrassing moments, icy stares, physical shoves, and yelled expletives, have faith that he secretly loves you and will one day be yours.

There you have it my friends--five ways to get a Korean boyfriend.

Now it's only a matter of finding one.

Monday, January 27, 2014

When the Law of Attraction Backfires

After a three month hiatus, Malarkey is finally back to the blog. It's not that she hasn't had an interesting thoughts lately, in fact to the contrary. But she has reached that part of the day where sleeping feels like  waste of time, homework sounds too hard, and eating would make her puke. Solution? Blog time.

There was this episode on Oprah once about "Law of Attraction", a concept that has existed for centuries and was resurrected eight years ago by Rhonda Byrne.

The Law of Attraction states that you are what you think about. Example: If you think you are doomed to a life as a spinster, your subsequent purchase of 24 cats will ensure it. If you think you are going to fail a test, your poor attitude will affect your judgement and will cause you to fail (this is science people!).
 On the flip side, if you want to be rich; simply imagine money and act like you have money, and money magically will appear. You'll find $20 on the street, grandma will die and you'll receive her inheritance, you'll get a raise. Some argue that the Law of Attraction is simply assigning meaning to coincidence. Other critics say that thinking about money means you'll be looking for it--while you never would have picked up a quarter off the street before, suddenly its appearance is proof of the Law working in you life.

My question is this: assuming the Law of Attraction is the ultimate law of the universe, what if you lose control of what you are "manifesting" (LoA vocab word #1). Example: through dreams.

Three days ago during my nap time I dreamt that I was eating a chocolate frosty. This was strange because I rarely go to Wendys, and when I do I get vanilla frosties. I woke up to a text from Zandratee requesting I come to her house because she had a treat for me.
What was it other than a chocolate frosty? People--this is not normal.

How I feel when eating anything

Two days I dreamt that I was walking down the river trail with a friend when Justin Bieber texted me asking where his house was. I said I don't know, but it probably wasn't jail. My friend expressed awe when he saw I was texting Bieber, and I responded that we had just met once and sometimes he texts me when he is drunk. Now this dream makes partial sense because I am a journalism major and Bieber was all over CNN.
I awoke from my nap and during my post-nap bathroom break my father called me. A strange time to call, but I answered and he said, "Malarkey, I have some interesting news for you."
Me, still groggy: "Okay..."
Dad: "you know how Justin Bieber was arrested for drunk driving?"
Me: "yes..."
Dad: "Well the corner he was arrested? It's across the street from your mother and my first apartment, where we brought you home from the hospital 22 years ago."
I apologize Justin, for manifesting your arrest.

At least the alcohol doesn't affect his signature hair

Yesterday I dreamt that my friend was taking pictures of me in my wedding dress (lacy, a-line, square neck, champagne sash) to send to my mom and I felt very beautiful but also very sad. Finally I said to my friend, "Friend, I don't love him." She put the camera down in surprise and said "well, you don't have the ring yet."
I woke up very depressed, but mostly afraid that I will manifest a disappointing pre-engagement.

So, my plee to the Law of Attraction, please stop manifesting the things over which my conscious mind has no control!

Except for Frosties. Those can stay.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

To the parents of my children

This past semester I have been student teaching in two middle-school choir classes. It has been an experience. I have learned that all those rehearsal strategies I spent the last two years learning mean nothing if you can't get the students to sit down and be quiet. I have learned that choir students do not want to listen to explanations, they want to sing. I have learned that depending on the mood of the class, a lesson plan can go extremely well or absolutely nowhere. And I have learned that I can and do genuinely love people even if they drive me crazy and even if I sometimes don't know their names.
To the parents of M, who flip houses for a living: please do stop forcing your daughter to switch schools. This is her second this semester, and she has said you may move before Christmas. She is so hard-working and loves being involved, but that is hard when you keep uprooting her.
To the parents of E: at the beginning of the semester I thought your daughter may not speak English, because she was so quiet and shy. But she has an excellent musical ear and picks up her part faster than anyone in the section, and has really blossomed socially. I hope you encourage her continued musical development.
To the parents of H: your son is smarter than he thinks. I hope he realizes that soon.
To the parents of C: your daughter has a beautiful voice, and I hope you allow her to take lessons and that her teachers are aware of the caution needed in working with a young voice.
To the parents of B: your daughter is incredibly bright, and I hope both you and she realize it. She reminds me often that she does not read music, but I'm starting to think she can read more than she knows, because she picks things up so fast.
To the parents of G: your son has ADD. I know his tendency to be a constant distraction is not malicious, but it does make things very difficult for me. He craves attention and responsibility. Some teachers will not be as forgiving as I am, and it would be a shame for him to end up hating school because he gets in trouble so often.
To the parents of A: your daughter seems to be going through something difficult. I don't know what it is and she hasn't said anything to anyone, but her behavior has drastically changed in the last few weeks. Don't let her just give up.
To the parents of P: your son is a joy to work with. He is always willing to do what I ask and loves singing. I hope you allow him to continue with choir.
To the parents of M and S: your children are in different classes right now, but I hope they somehow end up together. Both are eager beaver singers and would make the cutest choir couple.
To the parents of J: your daughter seems to have been through a lot. When I talk to her I feel like I am talking to an adult, and she defies my requests like one.
To the parents of R: your daughter makes me laugh every day with her no nonsense attitude. Way to raise her.
This is a small fraction of the things I would like to say to the parents of my children. Though I only see them for less than an hour a day, I care about all of them. Your kids are great-be grateful that they are yours.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

The way I see it

Middle-schoolers in Halloween costumes=adorable (even the one who said "I'm a pin-up girl. My mom really wanted me to be one.")
Adults in Halloween costumes=amusing and acceptable as long as I can see your face and you don't act weird
Kid in my Literature class who was Dr. Who and answered questions in a struggly British accent= I found you annoying before, but now you are embarrassingly insufferable
Couple who just walked into the HFAC dressed as Han Solo and Princess Leia with their baby in a giant R2-D2 stroller=absolutely winning Halloween

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Thanks a lot, Orlando Bloom

I have long straight hair, and every now and then I like to pull it half back. Unfortunately, this was also the hairstyle given to Legolas in the Lord of the Rings movies. For many years I have tried to avoid looking like a man-elf by having bangs and making sure there is some volume in my hair when I pull it back like this. Today, though, my hair was really flat and my bangs were too long to not pin back. I didn't have time to redo my hair, so basically, this is what I looked like when I had to stand in front of a room of judgmental middle schoolers:
Sit down children!

Thursday, October 3, 2013

What's More American?

Back in the day, I was in a youth choir called “Voices of a New Day.” Apparently, it was once prestigious-ish, but by the time I was in it, it was mostly a small group of kids who did not want to be there and a very frustrated director. We did sing at the National Christmas tree thing once. And then when we got home my dog was paralyzed and we had to take him to the dog hospital for surgery that he never really recovered from. In preparation for what I assume was a Fourth of July concert (which I don’t really remember, so maybe not), we sang a song called “What’s More American?” It was ridiculous. It would list a whole bunch of things that I guess the lyricist thought were “American,” and then ask what’s more American than those things??? I am! I am! I am! Unfortunately, I quickly forgot the lyrics to the song, and only had vague memories that it was really really bad. Then today, while looking through a middle school choral library, I found it! A whole packet of “What’s More American?”s. And so I typed up the words:
What’s more American than Corn Flakes? The Fourth of July and Uncle Sam? What’s more American than baseball? I am! I am! I am!
What’s more American than toothpaste? Rock n roll, peanut butter, toast and jam? What’s more American than O.K.? I am! I am! I am!
The Stars and Stripes, the Capitol Dome, bubble gum...
There’s General Grant, and Robert E. Lee...
But most of all you can count on little old me! Me! Me!
What’s more American than ice cream? Chow mein, pizza, Virginia ham? What’s more American than Bingo? I am! I am! I am!
Ours is a heritage, second to none. We are a nation, united as one. Our Founding Fathers gave us that start, and their love for our country lives on in every heart.
What’s more American than football? And TV and mighty Superman? What’s more American than Swaaaaaaneeee? I am! I am! I am!
The Bill of Rights, and Betsy Ross, the Liberty Bell, and Paul Revere’s horse...
Old Santa Claus, and a Christmas tree...
But most of all you can count on little old me! Me! Me!
What’s more American than praying in the church of your choice across the land?
What’s more American than saying I am?!