Thursday, May 29, 2014

Theme Music

Here's an interesting thought:

What if, every time you talked to someone, entered a store, woke up in the morning, or especially encountered an attractive stranger, a certain theme music played?

Like, you get out of your car to walk through a parking garage and suddenly a sullen slow deep tune rumbles. You'd know to get back in your car and wait for the robber/gropist/murderer to pass by.

Or what if you woke up in the morning to a bouncing happy melody--you'd know it was going to be a fantastic day.

Most importantly--what if when talking to someone, suddenly a jubilant ballad waves in. What? Am I in love with this person? Am I supposed to be? Apparently.

Or you're talking to another person, who perhaps you thought you had feelings for, and a sad slow ballad tumbles in. Well, I guess we won't work out then.

Wouldn't that be convenient?

This thought is also due to recent Kdrama binge watching. A certain very painful love triangle had crazy happy music (almost annoyingly happy) when one couple was together.

The other pairing had such tragic music, you knew there was no possible way they could end up together, despite their fuzziness and seemingly perfect pairing.

Pre-determined theme music could shape your entire life and make things a whole lot easier.

Think about it.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

How to Get a Korean Boyfriend

My KDrama binge watching of late has been very instructive in the art of snaring a Korean boyfriend.

A Korean boyfriend is something I didn't know I even wanted until I started watching these dramas.

Choi Min Ho--I love you despite your bling

Kim Bum-- I love you despite your name

Kim Hyun Joong--I love you despite your...femininity 

Lee Min Ho: I love you despite your...nothing. You are perfect.

Warning--do not start any of these series unless you have an unusual amount of free time on your hands and don't care what your social group thinks of your recreational activities.

I know that drawing conclusions about a culture from a soap opera is unfair and likely flawed--like thinking American high school is really like High School Musical or that every witch/wizard goes to Hogwarts.
If you never go, you never know

But the comparisons are just too uncanny to NOT have truth. Stereotypes are there for a reason--people can only be the exceptions to the stereotype, but they more likely fulfill them.

So, here are five ways to get a Korean boyfriend:

5. Be Korean

This is unfortunate because I am about as opposite from Korean as you can be. I like to think that the girls in these series are Korean because they are for a Korean audience and not because Korean guys are not attracted to Western girls. 
While physically changing ethnicity is quite difficult, I believe that love can find a way. So, what's next?

4. Be Clumsy

The best way to get a Korean boyfriend is to make sure he is saving you all of the time. It's the simple things like falling down the stairs or getting hit with a volleyball. But you can also go the extra mile and try drowning or almost getting raped.

Phew, that was a close one

Making him feel like your savior will attach him to you with an unbreakable bond. He is the one solely responsible for your existence, how can he ignore you???

3. Be Obsessed

Like--creepily obsessed. Keep pictures of him by your bed. Know his schedule. Leave him love notes in his bathroom. Know everything there is to know about him from his family, friends, and even sleeping habits. Especially sleeping habits. 
But most importantly--don't be shy about your obsession. Let him see the pictures, sign your name on the notes, and let him catch you watching him sleep.

He may seem annoyed, but he will soon realize that stalking may just be your love language, and suddenly it will be endearing.

2. Ignore everything he tells you to do

Stay in the room? Run after him. Don't touch his computer? Screenshot every file. Leave him alone? Double your efforts. 
This is the easiest one in my opinion.

 "Go away forever"
"Okay I'll be right here"
1. Never, ever, ever, give up.

No matter how many demeaning nicknames, death threats, embarrassing moments, icy stares, physical shoves, and yelled expletives, have faith that he secretly loves you and will one day be yours.

There you have it my friends--five ways to get a Korean boyfriend.

Now it's only a matter of finding one.

Monday, January 27, 2014

When the Law of Attraction Backfires

After a three month hiatus, Malarkey is finally back to the blog. It's not that she hasn't had an interesting thoughts lately, in fact to the contrary. But she has reached that part of the day where sleeping feels like  waste of time, homework sounds too hard, and eating would make her puke. Solution? Blog time.

There was this episode on Oprah once about "Law of Attraction", a concept that has existed for centuries and was resurrected eight years ago by Rhonda Byrne.

The Law of Attraction states that you are what you think about. Example: If you think you are doomed to a life as a spinster, your subsequent purchase of 24 cats will ensure it. If you think you are going to fail a test, your poor attitude will affect your judgement and will cause you to fail (this is science people!).
 On the flip side, if you want to be rich; simply imagine money and act like you have money, and money magically will appear. You'll find $20 on the street, grandma will die and you'll receive her inheritance, you'll get a raise. Some argue that the Law of Attraction is simply assigning meaning to coincidence. Other critics say that thinking about money means you'll be looking for it--while you never would have picked up a quarter off the street before, suddenly its appearance is proof of the Law working in you life.

My question is this: assuming the Law of Attraction is the ultimate law of the universe, what if you lose control of what you are "manifesting" (LoA vocab word #1). Example: through dreams.

Three days ago during my nap time I dreamt that I was eating a chocolate frosty. This was strange because I rarely go to Wendys, and when I do I get vanilla frosties. I woke up to a text from Zandratee requesting I come to her house because she had a treat for me.
What was it other than a chocolate frosty? People--this is not normal.

How I feel when eating anything

Two days I dreamt that I was walking down the river trail with a friend when Justin Bieber texted me asking where his house was. I said I don't know, but it probably wasn't jail. My friend expressed awe when he saw I was texting Bieber, and I responded that we had just met once and sometimes he texts me when he is drunk. Now this dream makes partial sense because I am a journalism major and Bieber was all over CNN.
I awoke from my nap and during my post-nap bathroom break my father called me. A strange time to call, but I answered and he said, "Malarkey, I have some interesting news for you."
Me, still groggy: "Okay..."
Dad: "you know how Justin Bieber was arrested for drunk driving?"
Me: "yes..."
Dad: "Well the corner he was arrested? It's across the street from your mother and my first apartment, where we brought you home from the hospital 22 years ago."
I apologize Justin, for manifesting your arrest.

At least the alcohol doesn't affect his signature hair

Yesterday I dreamt that my friend was taking pictures of me in my wedding dress (lacy, a-line, square neck, champagne sash) to send to my mom and I felt very beautiful but also very sad. Finally I said to my friend, "Friend, I don't love him." She put the camera down in surprise and said "well, you don't have the ring yet."
I woke up very depressed, but mostly afraid that I will manifest a disappointing pre-engagement.

So, my plee to the Law of Attraction, please stop manifesting the things over which my conscious mind has no control!

Except for Frosties. Those can stay.