Sunday, June 9, 2013

5 Things to Do with Your Placenta

Kim Kardashian is considering eating her own placenta  When I heard this, I experienced a range of emotions starting with fascination and ending with disgust.

For those of you who don't know what a placenta is (males), it is a wall full of nutrients and hormones between the womb and the baby. The bloody mass exits with the baby and is quickly disposed of in a sanitary manner.

Placenta: officially the grossest thing you will ever google

But now some moms are eating their placentas claiming that it must be good because all animals do it. And I say look where that got them. I'm all for loving and understanding animals, but there are some evolutionary factors in play here. You are human. You are on top of the food chain. You do not eat your placenta. So why change that?

If you're really concerned about connecting with this natural part of you, I came up with five other fun things you can do with your placenta.

1. Bury it in a sunny spot and plant a Callery Pear tree over it. Every spring time, the wet beaver smell will remind you of that short time you had with your placenta.

Looks heavenly, smells Satanic
2. Have a professional artist come and sketch your placenta. Hang it on the wall of your baby's room, so your baby will grow up grateful to the organ that gave it life.

Tell your baby it's his placenta, tell everyone else it's a jellyfish

3. Burn it. Invite your friends to cook s'more over the campfire. True friends will come.

No one has to know what you used as kindling

4. Take a picture of it on your iPhone and set it as your background.

Because the original background doesn't symbolize life at all
5. Freeze dry it and keep it with all of your emergency food. It may in fact save your life during a zombie apocalypse.

Eat yourself before they eat you
Despite my disgust, I am still fascinated by the concept. So if anyone has eaten their placenta, please message me a description of your experience. I'm too afraid to google it.

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